Do You Wake Up After Sleeping?

I don't mean to sound like a commercial, but I just have to share this because I think it will resonate with a lot of people!

Before I jump right off the deep end, thanks to Chris Rock for the title inspiration. Word to the wise: Not Suitable for Work or Kids...watch only 1:19-1:32 if you want to skip the anti-government rant and many curse words; or enjoy the whole skit. I've always found it funny and painfully accurate (pun intended)! Now, where was I going?

I KNOW I am not the only woman out there feeling like...omg! Work is a vacation. I can catch a break from my (i) FEELINGS, (ii) my KIDS, (iii) my husband, (iv) my PARENTS. Bring on the nonsense arbitrary internal deadlines. They're such a hoot.

How do I know this? Because I have zero trouble making myself vulnerable. That's right, folks. You read it here first. I am an over-sharer. I'm proud of it. I think it's why I have so many fond memories of so many amazing people, some of which I more closely keep in touch with at different stages of life, the week, the day, the year. This is important. When you share what you're feeling, chances are someone feeling similarly will pipe up. Because, most people, are good!

But this isn't a post about how I'm so proud of myself. On the contrary. This is a post about how even work hasn't been a vacation lately. Why? Becuase I'm not all that present for that potential vacation. Why? I'm too distracted by my, my kids', my husband's, my parents' FEELINGS. They are BIG FEELINGS; I'm not yelling at you.

Stay with me. This is also not a post about why I'm feeling such big feelings. This is a post about what I've been doing about it. I am...and this is going to sound weird...SO EXCITED about what I've been doing about it.

I've been here. Sitting in the discomfort. Not trying to fix a thing. To quote Dr. Becky, whose live workshop on "Deeply Feeling Kids" hubs and I attended today: I'm acting like "a potted plant." I am beginning to understand that I can change a room with little to no words, just by being lovingly and firmly present in it.

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This, my friends, is no accident. Almost a decade ago, a woman (career lawyer) who would almost instantaneously become one of my very best friends told me about her plan to be a "positive parent." I listened to her on positive parenting, but mostly I waited till it was my turn to speak about my hesitations with the method. And let me just apologize to her right now because, at the time, I had a dog and two nieces; she was actually pregnant. This says less about me and more about her gracefulness (gracious interpretation! More on this soon!). Last year that same woman recommended I read "Good Inside." I knew a little better by then, so I added it to my book list, but I've yet to read it.

Fast forward to earlier this year and another woman (career mother of, now two sweet kiddos) that I met through my husband and loves me for I'm still trying to figure out what reason, said...follow Dr. Becky. Imagine my delight when I figured out that there were sparknotes for Good Inside being published on instagram. Amazing!

So that's it? My advice to you if you're feeling big feelings is to find some friends, sit like a potted plant and follow Dr. Becky on instagram? No! My advice to you is don't worry. Whether you have kids or not, you are not alone and it is not too late to get yourself feeling better and, oh yeah...here's an idea!

If you can't afford or don't want, or can't find a therapist, no worries, let's get creative. That said, my therapist is amazing and I'm happy to provide a recommendation if anyone is in the market (send an email or DM on Instagram).

If it's too hard to think about yourself but you have ever, whether you have kids or not, had thoughts about (i) "doing things different" for your kids or (ii) how you might make your parents understand X, doing some exploration of Good Inside and conscious parenting, generally, might be helpful, though it's no Xanax or Cannabis and certainly won't take immediate effect.

I went into that workshop for my "deeply feeling kid," because I love her, and I don't always understand her and I desperately want to do my absolute BEST for her. You know what I found at that workshop? So much more than I expected! Yes, I felt "seen" by other parents. Yes, I got some perspective; a lot of folks have kids that feel even more deeply than mine. But most importantly, to me, I'm a deeply feeling kid! My parents are deeply feeling kids! I have been afraid of so many things, for so long, I can't name them here (this is a blog post not a long form essay in The Atlantic - #Iwish). But you know what I've been most afraid of? Being "bad" and, as a consequence, alone.

That workshop legitimately felt like family/personal therapy. Like someone yelled, "wake up!" My husband and I joked "I'm not crying, you're crying" (as we both wiped away tears!). Everything Dr. Becky said "about my kid" also described me, and my husband, and my parents. Every strategy Dr. Becky shared shocked my system. Damn, wish I had heard that as a kid! I'm not crying again. Are you crying?

My gosh, ladies (and gents, if there are any)! What a way to bring home what a privileged life I lead and make me grateful for ALL my feelings and give me a path forward!

I am so grateful for my parents! Thankful they brought us to this country. Thankful they have always done, and continue to do, their absolute best with my sister and me. Thankful that they filled me up with good values and proverbs. And now I shall pay it forward and kick it up a notch because I am healthy and successful (not speaking about money or career here) and so I have the mental space to think about these things. I am determined to break a cycle (maybe many!).

I can't change my parents. But I can undestand them. God, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

I can change me; I can influence my daughter. I can do it by telling myself, doing for myself, the things I'm learning to do to help my daughter. I can say to myself, and eventually come to believe, "I am good;" "I believe myself that something about this isn't right;" "I am not alone AND I'm loved, even when my feelings seem too big for me to handle and I don't have the skills to manage them."God, give me the courage to change the things I can.

God, thanks for the wisdom to learn about the difference.

So...if any of this resonates...yay! I'm so glad it reached you. If you need to chat, reach out. If you would like to watch that workshop and can't afford it...reach out!